Pretty Ex-Soldier Sailor Cloud
by Daicon Haruko
Summary: This is a short and fun Final Fantasy 7 parody of Sailor Moon. There is some language in here that is not sutable for all audiences. ENJOY!!!!!


EL DEMENTO** Final Fantasy VII  
Pretty Ex-SOLIDER Sailor Cloud?!!  
Written by the demented one herself..  
Crystal Kittell  
  
**EL DEMENTO is a term my best friend and I made up. It basically is used to classify our odd fan fics.. It's just a made up term.. so put those dictionaries down! hee-hee.  
(Tifa's bar 7th Heaven: Barret, Cloud, Aerith and Tifa are all sitting at a table. A very large cat like creature is sitting at the end of the table. The other party members are seated around him.)  
  
BARRETT: So let me get this straight Mr. Red XIII if-that-is-your-real-name. ::everyone rolls eyes:: Some chick erased our memories after some fight with a guy who likes to call himself "QUEEN Sephiroth?!!"  
  
RED VIII: Correct. And I'm here to give you your powers back.  
  
CLOUD: All this talking is making me hungry.  
  
AERITH: Um.. Cloud-honey, you just had SIX bowls of rice!!!!  
  
CLOUD: SOOOO!!! A man's gotta EAT!!!!  
  
TIFA: I'll go get you some more food!  
  
MEANWHILE SOMEWHERE ON THE WORLD MAP, SEPHIROTH--ER QUEEN SEPHIROTH IS PLANNING HIS ATTACK.  
  
(seen sitting down thinking at a table. In front of him is a board game. Across form him is what appears to be a very intelligent monkey, smoking a pipe.)  
  
MONKEY: B-2  
  
Q. SEPHIROTH: awww... DAMMIT! YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!!! TO HELL WIT YOU MONKEY!!!!! (starts to summon a spell)  
  
MONKEY: EEP! I'm outta here... and I'm taking the tea and crumpets, farewell! runs away  
  
Q. SEPHIROTH: HEY YOU! dammit.. it was a really cool spell too.. shucks. Well, now I'm bored.. so I guess I have a battle to plan... ::goes to closet, which happens to be full of dresses:: And I haven't a THING to wear..  
  
HEY, YOU DIDN'T Think THE QUEEN TITLE CAME FROM BEING ROYALTY DID YOU? (GOD FORBID..)  
  
Q. SEPHIROTH: ahh.. poo. I think I'll just send some monster.. ::snaps:: that'll do the trick!! Hee.. kill the others and BRING ME THAT CLOUD!! ::sigh:: What a man!   
  
DID I MENTION THAT HE HAS THE HOTS FOR CLOUD??? NOW BACK TO THE OTHERS SHALL WE??  
  
CLOUD: ::burp:: So.. what do we need these powers for again??  
  
RED VIII: Don't ask me!! I'm just the magical cat who gives you gives you the damn powers!!! Do you expect me to know everything?!!  
  
CLOUD: YESES!!!!  
  
TIFA: Can I say something??  
  
AERITH: Sure Miss "I'll get you some more food Cloud" Bla bla bla..   
  
TIFA: ::ahem:: As I was saying.. IF I am not mistaken.. isn't this the point where we..  
  
BARRETT: KICK SOME ASS?!!!!!  
  
TIFA: Um.. right..  
  
RED XIII: But first... you must transform!!!  
  
CLOUD: BUT I HAVE A SWORD!!!!  
  
AERITH: Here Cloud.. have a cookie. ::shoves a cookie in his mouth::  
  
CLOUD: ::mouth full of cookie:: Yank moo!!!  
  
(they transform. Cloud, Aerith and Tifa are all in sailor fuku outfits with REALLY short skirts. Cloud's hair is in odangos. Barrett is in a tuxedo with a mask and cape.)  
  
CLOUD: A SKIRT?!!!  
  
BARRETT: At least YOU'RE not a PIMP!  
  
CLOUD: ::sigh:: Well you gotta admit.. My legs are kind of sexy!!! ::everyone falls down::  
  
AERITH: Tifa... how much alcohol did Cloud-honey have??  
  
TIFA: None.  
  
AERITH: All that rice must've clogged his brain.  
  
CLOUD: WHOA!! I have a brain?!!  
  
BARRETT: Can we hurry up and kick some ass now??  
  
CLOUD: Yeah.. it's getting kinda drafty.  
  
RED XIII: We must wait for the monster to appear first.  
  
CLOUD: Man, that's lame...  
  
(a little kitten approaches)  
  
CLOUD: A KITTEN?! The almighty Queen sends a KITTEN?! What's it gonna do?! HISS?!!  
  
CLOUD CONTINUES ON, PRANCING AROUND, MAKING A FOOL OUT OF HIMSELF. TIFA LOOKS UP AND SEES.. A.. A.. WELL.. IT'S UGLY!! THE OTHER PARTY MEMBERS LOOK UP AND SEE THE REAL MONSTER. CLOUD, ON THE OTHER HAND, CONTINUES TO YELL OBSCENITIES AT THE KITTEN.  
  
(kitten runs off)  
  
CLOUD: Hey! Come back here so I may defeat you!!! MWA HA HA HA HA!  
  
AERITH: um.. Cloud-honey, look up..  
  
CLOUD: Huh? ::looks up:: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!!  
  
RED XIII: Our monster perhaps?  
  
BARRETT: um... C-ya!! ::starts to run off but Tifa grabs him by the cape::  
  
TIFA: I don't think so pimp-boy!!!  
  
CLOUD: Okay Red... what now??  
  
BEFORE RED XIII CAN ANSWER, THE UGLY MONSTER DOES SOME KIND OF FIRE THING WHICH LEAVES THE PARTY MEMBERS KINDA CRISPY.  
  
RED XIII: ::dry mouthed:: water...  
  
CLOUD: WATER?!!! That only works with witches, silly.  
  
AGAIN, THE PARTY MEMBERS ARE SHOCKED AT HOW DUMB CLOUD CAN   
ACTUALLY BE..  
  
BARRETT: Red--can I call you Red?--Don't we get some kind of "magical powers" to go with these lil getups??   
  
RED XIII: No.. those "getups" are to distract the opponent-- AND to give out a little fan service.  
  
CLOUD: I must admit.. they're not half bad... ::struts around::  
  
BARRETT: Dumbass.  
  
AERITH: I don't care how cute Cloud looks in a shirt.. or the fact that his legs are nicer than   
mine --bastard-- all I care about is defeating this thing and getting the hell outta here, before   
we are toasted again!!!  
  
TIFA: I must admit.. I'm with her on that one..  
  
BARRETT: YEAH!!   
  
RED XIII: Well.. Cloud has to say his speech first.  
  
CLOUD: Uh.. right! HEY YOU UGLY MONSTER THING!!! I AM SAILOR CLOUD! AND I'VE GOT A REALLY BIG SWORD.... ON BEHALF OF THIS CAT.. I'LL PUNISH YOU!!  
  
RED XIII: Well.. you have materia! USE IT!  
  
AERITH: ICE...  
  
TIFA: FIRE..  
  
BOTH: THREE!!!  
  
THE TWO SPELLS HIT, CANCELING EACH OTHER OUT. THE GIRLS START TO ARGUE WITH EACH OTHER WHILE BARRETT THROWS LAWN DARTS AT THE MONSTER, AS THE MONSTER CONTINUES TO TOAST THEM.  
  
RED XII: Oh lord.  
  
CLOUD: SCREW THIS! I have a sword!! ::whips it out and waves it around:: SWORD.. DO SOMETHING... REALLY COOL!!!  
  
ALL OF A SUDDEN THE SWORD SPRAYS OUT SOME STUFF WHICH TURNS THE MONSTER INTO A COCKROACH. CLOUD SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL AND   
PROMPTLY STEPS ON IT.  
  
CLOUD: HA-HA! Cockroach mush-ed.  
  
BARRETT, TIFA, & AERITH: ::hanging on to Cloud:: OUR HERO!!  
  
SO THE ADVENTURE HAS JUST BEGUN FOR OUR FOUR HEROS AND THEIR CAT-LIKE FRIEND. AN ADVENTURE FILLED WITH MAJOR ASS KICKING, AND OCCASIONAL SPANKING!!! BUT... THE QUESTION LINGERS.... WILL QUEEN SEPHIROTH  
EVER GET CLOUD?!!!!  
  
Q. SEPHIROTH: Tee-hee, I hope so!!!  
  
-FIN-  
(till we meet again... ::evil laughter::)  
  



End file.
